setting a low bar, and, the worthiness of birdhouses

I guess this isn't a fitness blog anymore, or at least not for now. Writing about working out and eating right would feel weird, since I'm in my eleventh week of just keeping my body rested so all this nerve damage from the shingles can heal. I mean, I eat right still, but....yeah you don't need to read "had some kale today to balance out the quinoa chips and guacamole."

Now my blog is, I suppose, more in the 'faith blog' category? Rest easy, you'll still find me behind the espresso machine at Starbucks making lattes, more readily than behind a pulpit. Pretty sure the pulpit thing is a 'never;' that's my older brother. Anyway...

Today I wanted to write about humility. Hang on through some of this and I have a story for you at the end.

For much of my life I would have said I behaved with humility, putting others first and all that, and sometimes I think I did that with an appropriate heart and mindset. All too often though, I thought so little of myself that it was way easy to think of others as better or put them first. Lots of put downs early in life really settled into my soul, so those were the beliefs that I walked in. Those beliefs lead readily to a life of addiction and comfort seeking, and that behavior absolutely reinforces a negative belief system about one's self. Vicious cycle, anyone?

Here's the thing. If you are laying your life down for your brother/neighbor/friend/family/whoever, as scripture calls us to do, you have to have the right view of your life in order for that laying down to be worth something. Let me say that another way - if you are not sacrificing something of value, you are not really sacrificing. In Philippians 2:3 the apostle Paul says that we are to "...in humility count others more significant than yourselves." Okay, so, if you consider yourself a worm, you are really setting the bar low and not saying much when you say you count someone else more significant than you. Got it? Does "hey you are way more important than a dead worm on a sidewalk" make you feel special? Or, "hey I think you are way cooler than me, and I'm as cool as ear hair!" Low. Bar.

Why should you consider yourself anything special? Well....God made you, and it has been said in scripture that "wonderful are His works." (Psalm 139). Genesis 1:27 says we're created in His image, so, break that down - you were created in the image of a Holy God. Ephesians 2:10 says we are His workmanship - so again, the best 'maker of things' in the history of made things made YOU. Now, if you think of yourself that way, the Philippians passage about counting others more significant than yourself, makes Romans 12:10 really compelling - "...outdo one another in showing honor.." Imagine that, in the context of a marriage, friendship, or business partnership - two or more people, with an appropriate Biblical view of themselves, all seeking to honor the others more than themselves; you start at High Bar, and just spur each other on to Higher and Higher Bar!

Have you ever put aside anything you thought you wanted, for somebody else's sake, just because you thought you were simply not worthy of what you wanted? Stop that, it's dumb. I mean, sometimes you'll put aside some goal or project for the sake of family and it's totally the right thing to do, like if you REALLY want a new car, but decide to hold off because your family budget really can't take on a new bill, AND keep groceries in the house, then by all means hold off on the car. Even in that though, check your attitude - if inside you're huffy about not getting a new car, you are being prideful while saying no to getting yourself a car, NOT being humble. Instead,  you can just let the matter be a simple case of understanding that while it is appropriate for a special person such as yourself, wholly and completely loved by the Father, to have a new car at some point, it is evidently not His will that you have it right now because He didn't give you the resources for it.

Let me give you another example about this business of adjusting your goals, or giving stuff up in true humility. Let's talk birdhouses. Several years ago, I became just a wee bit obsessed with birdhouses. When I say a wee bit, I mean I looked at library books on them, browsed word working magazines for birdhouse projects, did 100 different google image searches looking for different types of birdhouses, talked about birdhouses to anyone who would listen (many thanks to the two of you), and even built a few. I even had fantasies of making a living from birdhouses! Eventually though, I thought about birdhouses less and less, and stopped making them altogether, largely because I started thinking it was a super silly pursuit and that I should do more stuff with my kids instead. It became, to me, just another example of some stupid, trivial thing, that unworthy me would think of to do. That was dumb. Now, it would also have been dumb to spend every spare moment ignoring everything but the business of birdhouses. However, in proper humility, considering my kids more significant than my wonderfully made self, I could have thought "birdhouse making is super fun, and I'm awesome at it because God gifted me with some crazy creative skills - hey! I should enlist my people in a monthly birdhouse making project!" See, that validates me, my ideas, my skills, and adds value to the lives of my children. Soooo, that's like.....better. Instead of giving up my idea completely, I would have just given up an unhealthy, self absorbed, neurotic obsession. Then in return, I would have had fun, and spread fun.

Damn. You might just see some birdhouses or some such coming out of Weir, TX one of these days.

abuse of freedom

It was much easier to write about changing my diet, away from all the unhealthy animal based foods and toward plant based eating. Admitting in this forum that I had spent years eating way too much BBQ and fast food wasn't too bad, I mean, yes I realize fully now how badly I had treated my body with food, but that's a lot of people, right? Eating the standard American diet is something that obviously tons of people do openly and routinely, where's the shame? Besides, switching to a plant based diet felt pretty hip.

Writing about my own addiction issues, by comparison, feels pretty lousy, in some respects. It makes me confront my selfishness and shame. Maybe in years to come I'll have some distance from all those years of deceit and abuse and just remember the joy of being set free. I don't feel like there is anything noble about not being a nicotine addict anymore, but for sure there is a subject worthy of praise in all of this - Jesus. He alone has freed me, and He alone deserves credit for my deliverance.

In recent days, my guiding verse has been Galations 5:13, which reads, "For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another." When I was acting on my addiction, I understood that I was free to do so, and I was in fact. Sometimes I would play the comparison game at church, and look at people who apparently felt free to indulge over much in food. Or, I figured out of all these people at church, plenty were divorced or looking too longingly at folks other than their spouse - surely I wasn't any worse than any of those people, right? Turns out exactly none of that matters to how I exercised and experienced my own freedom. I was abusing my freedom, robbing myself of an abundant life, and cheating those around me by not being all I could be, as a free person in Christ. Anyway, my daily prayer now is that He would enable me to use my freedom to serve others. Its some hard days still, here and there, but I wouldn't trade it.

If you are struggling with some kind of addiction or pain, I'd truly love to pray for you. Message me on Facebook or email me at artmarck@yahoo.com.




I 

The blog I thought I'd never write.

The adrenaline rush of petty theft was magnificent, and the camaraderie of my fellow hooligans was so very sweet. It was 1980, and on a twilight stretch of CA Highway in the middle of nowhere with the scorching wind blowing hard, my fellow police explorer scouts and I ripped off a bunch of cigarettes and junk food from a gas station. Our bus had broken down somewhere on the road home from Reno, and with just a couple of cop escorts to mind us, pretty much all 20 of us immediately got up to no good. For me, it was way more exciting than any church summer camp ever had been. Those first cigarettes? Oh man I had never felt such a wonderful rush....yeah it made me kinda sick too, and I couldn't keep down my Coke and Hostess cup cakes, but that rush flowing through my veins was pure poetry. It was in those moments, on that sweaty night, that I allowed the devil to firmly sink his talons into me, giving him an edge in my life for the next 36 years.

How hooked, how addicted, was I? Immensely. The further away from God that I walked over the following years, the deeper those talons sunk. I recall a time in my late teens when I honestly felt that life was just something to do between cigarettes. Only nicotine had meaning for me. Through my later teens, into my twenties, and through my time in the Army, I also found other highs - alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, meth, valium, hash, etc. All of those had their hold on me for a time, but none more than my old friend nicotine. Alcohol hung around a good long while, but one fine I day I just stopped picking up the bottle and the Good Lord delivered me - that's a great story, for another day.

Being a Christian, as well as a smoker, was tricky for me. I mean, on a daily basis I was giving the devil ammunition to help me doubt my salvation, and even without his help I heaped guilt and shame all over myself. Walking into church stinking like smoke often earned me judgmental stares from other Christians, and how could I blame them? Well, that stopped being a problem about ten years ago when I quit smoking. No more obvious sin, woo hoo!!!

I have to pause here and mention how lousy I feel typing this all out. It's just gross. It's freaking me out that someone might actually read this and be judgmental, maybe treat me different or think less of me. I'm just hanging on for the deliverance at the end.

Now, the troubling thing was that I quit smoking by switching to nicotine mints. Those I hung on to until about ten days ago. So, for ten years, I had a way more subtle addiction/sin problem. If you've known me at all over the past few years, you can see the contrast between the nicotine addiction, and the rest of my lifestyle of health and fitness, right? I mean, I lost all that weight, quit eating garbage, started doing all this great exercise and using essential oils.... and daily kept right on poisoning myself. I felt like a fraud. I was a fraud. Often I would think that Jesus was telling me to knock it off, but I just didn't want to listen - I was too hooked, too rebellious, too set in my comfort seeking ways. Every time we had Communion Sunday at church, I would wonder if I should partake. In every gathering with other Christians, I would feel apart from them, different, not worthy. There devil had a heavily loaded quiver of arrows to rain down on me, lie after lie after lie, because I kept reloading the quiver.

Several weeks ago I knew for sure that Jesus was telling me it was time to quit, so I started giving it a half hearted attempt by cutting down. Trouble was I had also contracted the shingles virus so I was in a good deal of pain. The withdrawal pain on top of the rash and nerve pain seemed like too much to take - surely the Lord didn't intend me to endure that much discomfort? Turns out that's exactly what he intended for me, provided I would finally obey. I prayed fervently that He would just deliver me from the addiction as soon as I quit for real, prayed that it wouldn't be painful or hard. He said no, and 'my grace is sufficient for you.' Over and over these past ten days I have ask God for things and He has reminded me that He has provided already. When I asked for hope, he pointed me to the hope we have in the supremacy of Christ, and the gospel. When I asked for mercy, he showed me the mercy that He has me at home for this time of addiction recovery - the shingles pain got so intense when I quit nicotine (seems the withdrawal stress kicked the nerve pain into overdrive) that I've for sure had to stay home from work and other situations where the temptations would be stronger. Seriously, I can't even put on a shirt without feeling like I've been set on fire. Right now I'm getting kinda desperate to lay down, because that eases the pain a bit. 

Anyway, that's really all I have to say today. Certainly I could have been more eloquent or thorough, and quite likely I could have imparted some better theology. I'll just close with this - though it's only been ten days since I quit, and I'm still in hellish pain, I feel like the story is really over. I have quit, I won't go back; Christ conquered sin and the grave once and for all, for all of us, for me. 

get over it

Listen, I'm not going to relate this story to be unkind, okay? Here goes - at the last triathlon I did, I was doing some people watching while waiting around the pool deck for the event to start. For the most part, it was a few hundred people that looked like my neighbors - bankers, full time moms, accountants, corporate hacks, etc. There were a few there who looked ready to dominate, to be sure - nil body fat, skin suits that looked permanently bonded to their bodies, total eye of the tiger game face, etc. Since this was a typical cross section of society, there were some people there that had various degrees of a weight issue. One gentleman in particular (and again, not saying this to be unkind) had to be well over 300 pounds, and was wearing a lycra tri-suit that hovered nauseatingly between pink and purple. You know what though? He pretty much blended in. After all, 95% (no, that number was not scientifically derived) of the crowd was in lycra, and most of us didn't have bodies that anyone would put on the cover of a magazine - well, not a glamour magazine anyway; there were some nerdy folk that would have been great on the cover of any tech magazine, some others that probably had a net worth that could put them on Forbes, and personally I think I could grace the cover of Rookie Mistake Weekly (not an actual publication).

If I look at myself honestly, I see a guy that looks just fine. I'm not a youth, so my upper eye lids are a bit droopy, my beard is going grey, and since I used to be fat I'm kinda baggy around the middle. But, I'm healthy and clean and have all my body parts so I can blend in just fine. In fact, at a glance you might not notice anything particular at all about how I look - know why? We all pay SO MUCH attention to what we look like, and often have insecurities about it, that we really don't notice each other's appearance that much at all.

All that said, please do not let body image issues get in the way of exercising outdoors or at the gym. YES, you will encounter a handful of people that look like they just dropped down from Olympus. The vast majority of others out exercising will look pretty much like you. If there are clothes you can wear that would enhance your performance, and be appropriate for the exercise you are doing - wear them! My fave sport is cycling, and I have ALL the gear (see above pic). Yes, it's kinda ridiculous looking. I mean...so you see those compression leggings, matched with striped socks, tight bike shorts with the big pad between the legs, it's silly. BUT, it's the most comfortable thing for cycling, and the long sleeve jersey was perfect for that day's weather, and the compression gear is great for my varicose vein issues.

Will you look awkward and klutzy your first few times at yoga, pilates, barre, etc? Oh, hell yes you will. So was everyone else in there at first, and I've never met an instructor that won't home in on the newbies and help them out.

So that's it  - get out there and get fit, regardless of how you think you look. If you are overweight, what better clothes to wear than workout clothes? It means you're ready to work on it! Later, when you have become more fit, you can look at yourself again and enjoy the change. Oh, and last word - when you do get more fit, people will notice and compliment you, but then after awhile that will stop because 'fit' is your new normal. You'll need to keep at it anyway :-)

your dog wants to go for a walk

If you know just enough of my story to know that I used to be a fat, unhealthy guy, and now I'm a fit guy that does triathlons, runs 4 or 5 miles at a stretch routinely, and rides long distances on my bike, you are absolutely missing part of the story. I want to tell you about that missing part, just in case you're thinking 'oh geez, I guess the diet and exercise worked out well for HIM, but I could never do a triathlon, 10k or above, or any of that crazy stuff!'

You see, I didn't just wake up one day and say "well I haven't gone running in nearly 20 years, but  I've decided I'm a runner now so I'll go run 5 miles this morning." Well, actually I did do just that, and therein lies my point - that was a really STUPID idea. My body was nowhere near ready for that; true, I had taken my fat little dog for walks while I was losing weight, but just losing the weight did not prepare my body for that much running that quickly. Yes, after that first run I felt great. For a couple of weeks I was running daily, up to six miles at a time, and then one of my knees just seized up completely and I could barely walk. It turns out there's this thing in  your legs called an IT band? Anyway, it's a ligament that runs down the outside of your leg from hip to knee. The sudden increase in exercise severely over stressed my particular little IT band, and the spot where it attached to my knee was terribly inflamed and painful. My running career ground to a complete halt for several months. When it finally felt better, I resumed running, and started gearing up for the Dallas Marathon. Guess what happened? Well, that IT band apparently doesn't like freezing temps and running uphill, so part way through a 10 mile training run one dark 30 degree morning, my knee locked up and I fell on my face going up a hill. Only then did I go see a chiropractor and found out about the IT band - yes, it took having the same injury twice for me to go find out what was happening. As the weeks to the marathon slipped away, I tried to keep up with my conditioning by cycling (didn't stress the IT band that way) and stretching more often, but that was hampered because at this same time I was having a series of operations on my legs to address my varicose veins. With the marathon coming in December, I was barely able to do the one mile Turkey Trot fun run with my family on Thanksgiving. Ultimately, I had to skip the marathon, and got nothing out of the deal besides a cool work out shirt. Oh and then also my right foot/big toe was really hurting at the same time - so yeah, turned out I had some major bone spurs after all the running, plus all the marching in the Army with a heavy pack when I was younger, plus carrying the extra fat for so many years. A couple months after the marathon that I didn't run, I had foot surgery. Weeeee.

But wait, there's more! Just this past fall I joined a soccer team, after not playing since middle school. It was super fun, and my cardio conditioning absolutely paid off since I was able to keep up with the running up and down the field. Want to know what didn't work out? Playing too reckless and running into other players at full speed. TWICE I did that and seperated muscle/bones and such in my chest. Being nearly 50 and having chest pain on a soccer field sucks. I mean, I knew it wasn't a heart attack - I had just slammed my body into someone else HARD so clearly that was the cause of the pain, but still, it conjures up some scary scenarios. Anyway, it was ghastly painful and prevented a number of exercises for awhile. Last note on this topic before I move on to my point, I swear - a month or so ago I decided to try the rowing machine at the gym for some alternate cardio. Great machine. I asked a trainer to show me the proper form, then my second time doing it I promptly increased my time on the machine to 30 minutes, having done just 10 the first time, and all at an increased resistance. Well yes, yes indeed I did hurt my lower back and had to stop running and cycling for a bit in order to rehabilitate it.

You could come away from reading this thinking, "note to self - don't exercise! Don't leave the house! It'll hurt!" HOWEVER, I'd rather you come away thinking, "I should really think through what my exercise goals are, and plan accordingly/work up slowly." If you are wanting to start exercising, or are wanting to start exercising more consistently, don't get caught up in all the marathon/triathlon hype, at least not right away! Start small and go slow, it's okay! If there is a sport or activity you want to try - by all means check it out but do some thinking and research to see what that activity requires of your body and then honestly asses where you're at! A nagging injury that keeps you from exercising at all, or at least makes it more difficult, can absolutely derail you.

When I did my first half marathon, I fell apart in spectacular fashion at the ten mile mark because I hadn't properly fueled up. For the last 3.1 miles I did the wobbly leg baby giraffe walk and got totally beat by some guy that was over 70. The lesson that I'm still learning from that is that really I have another 20 to 30 years to do this sports stuff, so I don't have to conquer all the hills today. Neither do you. If you are just now starting your fitness regime, or if you're feeling discouraged because you miss gym days more often than you make them, your dog absolutely wants to go for a walk. Wouldn't it be nice for both of you? True, the runners, cross fit freaks, and barbell busters won't be impressed, but you'll have gotten pure vitamin D from the sun exposure, fresh oxygen will fill your lungs, your heart muscle will get some exercise, and you'll boost your metabolism for the whole day! Don't have a dog? Walk with your kid, walk with your spouse, walk with a coworker at lunch time - just do it! Is Jesus a friend of yours? Shoot, he'd love to chit chat with you as you walk along.

So, to review - exercise smart, plan your workouts so that you work up slowly and avoid injury, and let simple things like walks be your exercise if that's where you're at. That little picture of me and my dog Mandy is recent by the way - I'm still learning about taking the smart way, so some days I just take her for a walk, even though I do have to carry her up the hills.

I'd love to answer any questions that I can, or point you to some websites with good training info, so feel free to comment below!!

still fat

Hi friends! It's been awhile hasn't it? If you're reading this blog for the first time, welcome! If you are rejoining me, thanks so much!

To review; about four years ago I was really fat (bounded around between 225 and 240), and my doctor wanted to put me on meds for cholesterol (total was 246) and he cautioned me that my blood sugar was nearly diabetic. He didn't suggest dietary changes, nor did he say suggest exercise. Heaven forbid! I mean, there's good money in managing illness, and very little in getting people healthy...but I digress. Any-hoo, I gave up my BBQ hobby, ditched all meat and dairy, and got down to 165 lbs and a total cholesterol of about 140. Oh and I exercised seven days a week, like a maniac! Couldn't keep me out of the gym! Wow what a stud! Or not. Actually my exercise level during the majority of that weight loss time was pretty minimal - I went to the gym a little, took my fat little dog for walks...some days I counted walking from room to room in my house as exercise. Seriously, weight loss is SO all about diet.

After I lost weight, I got into endurance sports - running, cycling, and (begrudgingly) swimming. When I was in the weight loss phase, I didn't run at all. I figured I had run enough in my 20's while in the Army and had no inclination to ever do it again. Now, I've completed a couple half-marathon's (two weeks apart - funny story there for another time), done triathlons, and can comfortably ride my bike 40 miles. Swimming still feels like to me like a mad scramble to not die, but running and cycling is way fun.

So four years later I have this whole diet and exercise thing down pat, right? Oh. No. Not at all. Yesterday I had an epiphany - I'm still a total lard ass, between the ears. For as much as I love my endurance sports, I do not have a great attitude about working out, my motivation level is poor, over and over again I make training mistakes that result in injuries, and I have a heck of a time staying away from the sweet treats at times (didn't I mention I work at Starbucks now? Easy peasy convenient treat heaven. Oh my.)

Here's the thing - when I changed my diet four years ago, I worked from home where my fab and fit wife did all the cooking, and I could change up my schedule anyway I saw fit in order to work out. Same for when I got into the sports - totally easy to fit it in. Then, for several months, I didn't work at all, so long runs and bike rides were all kinds of easy. Now, however, I work, so it isn't always easy to fit in the fitness. Yesterday for example, I just didn't want to take the time to go to the gym. Running was out because I had a painful cut on the bottom of my heel (it's much better now, thanks to some essential oils - much more on that kind of topic going forward in this blog), and I declined to ride my bike because the wretched winds in my town were gusting over 40 mph - not real safe when you're guarded only by a lycra covering that's a couple millimeters thick, and 19 pounds of aluminum bike.

Here was the real kicker though, and hence my epiphany - I knew I could get in a workout right at home, but I decided not too out of sheer procrastination and laziness. I have not risen to the occasion of making a fitness a lifestyle in the midst of working, raising five kids that we homeschool, going along with my oh so motivated wife's many good plans, etc. I am FAT between the ears. Going forward, I'll blog along as I seek to improve in this area - hopefully it will be an encouragement to someone...or entertainment at least?

Stay tuned!

the ugly kid in class

Imagine you grew up being kinda on the homely side. Not hideous, where people would stand outside your house with pitchforks and torches, just definitely less than attractive, worse than mere 'plain' even. Had you been a homely kid, you probably would have been made fun of by the mean kids, and your homeliness would have been tolerated, or at least not pointed out, by nice kids. More than likely, as a homely kid you would have had at least one family member that teased you about your looks, because sometimes family members suck that way. As you grew older, homely, you would have been hearing less about your looks from others, but you'd have been hearing plenty from the voices inside that you had internalized from your mean classmates or mean family. Yep, those voices would still be loud and clear. Really, if you were homely, it would shape everything about  how you interacted with the world, every encounter with new people would be colored by their view of you, real or imagined by you, as homely.

Then imagine that one day you woke up and instead of being homely, you were rather nice looking. Not nice looking like people would want to put a poster of you up on their wall or cast you in their next movie or anything. Just nice looking enough that when you put on some decent clothes people would compliment you on your looks. That would really change how you interacted with the world around you, wouldn't it? No longer would you automatically feel like you stood out somehow in a negative way, you might start to feel like you could blend in to a crowd in a nice way. If you woke up nice looking like that, and stayed that way, when a stranger caught your eye for a moment, that might elicit a sincere smile instead of a quick look the other way.

You know where I'm going with this. I grew up being kinda on the big side. At certain stages growing up I was lean enough, but most of the time there was just this 'bigness' about me. That was reinforced for me by one family member that teased me about it, and also by other people that would just remark on how big I was. Not that it was always said in a mean way, just an observation, but, those voices stick. As I became an adult, I certainly didn't get any smaller. In the Army I was a healthy weight for the most part, but even then my image was that of a big guy. On long marches, who got to carry the big, crew fired machine gun AND all it's ammo AND all the gear that went with it? Me, the big guy. After the Army, I put some weight on and kept it on, though over the years my weight would veer sharply anywhere from around 210 to 245. It was common for strangers and store keepers to look alarmed when they saw me. More than once I was stopped by police and questioned about what I was doing, just while walking down the street. Yes, I know the tattoos and (at one time) long hair, and then later the shaved head, added to the imposing look, but still, the bigness was the main part of my image. Need something heavy lifted? Ask me, the big guy. Need someone for crowd control at an event of some kind? Yep, I gotcha covered. The fact that I'm a very pleasant and kind person, yet looked to many people like a big imposing threat, has been a long running joke among my family and friends for years.

At 181 pounds (plant based diet; results are typical) I'm just really not a big guy at all. When people say I look really thin now, it's not just them being nice, and their not just saying I'm thin in comparison to when I was around 230. I don't get the same nervous looks anymore, even with the shaved head and tattoos. In some ways I think I look a little older this way, because maybe my skin sags a little more now that it isn't plumped out with fat. Looking older I think takes away from the imposing look. Yes, it really changes how I interact with the world. I think I'll keep rockin' the veggies folks, this is good. This baby that my wife and I are going to welcome in a couple of weeks will be the first of our kids that won't ever know a big daddy.

When I went to Google to find a picture for this post, I was thinking, 'what's a good picture for transformation?' Well, I had my first big transformation when I was four years old, thanks to a kind family member (that 'thanks' is to you Paul), so of course the first thing that came to mind to represent transformation was the cross. Jesus loved me as the big kid, the fat man, the big scary guy, etc. He also loves the homely, the lame, the simple, and of course the beautiful and brightest as well. Even if I lost my mind and scarfed down cheeseburgers and BBQ until I was 400 pounds, I would have that transformation, from Jesus on the cross. Now THAT is some spectacular transformation; sinner to saint, poisoned to blessed - Jesus Christ; results are typical.