The blog I thought I'd never write.

The adrenaline rush of petty theft was magnificent, and the camaraderie of my fellow hooligans was so very sweet. It was 1980, and on a twilight stretch of CA Highway in the middle of nowhere with the scorching wind blowing hard, my fellow police explorer scouts and I ripped off a bunch of cigarettes and junk food from a gas station. Our bus had broken down somewhere on the road home from Reno, and with just a couple of cop escorts to mind us, pretty much all 20 of us immediately got up to no good. For me, it was way more exciting than any church summer camp ever had been. Those first cigarettes? Oh man I had never felt such a wonderful rush....yeah it made me kinda sick too, and I couldn't keep down my Coke and Hostess cup cakes, but that rush flowing through my veins was pure poetry. It was in those moments, on that sweaty night, that I allowed the devil to firmly sink his talons into me, giving him an edge in my life for the next 36 years.

How hooked, how addicted, was I? Immensely. The further away from God that I walked over the following years, the deeper those talons sunk. I recall a time in my late teens when I honestly felt that life was just something to do between cigarettes. Only nicotine had meaning for me. Through my later teens, into my twenties, and through my time in the Army, I also found other highs - alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, meth, valium, hash, etc. All of those had their hold on me for a time, but none more than my old friend nicotine. Alcohol hung around a good long while, but one fine I day I just stopped picking up the bottle and the Good Lord delivered me - that's a great story, for another day.

Being a Christian, as well as a smoker, was tricky for me. I mean, on a daily basis I was giving the devil ammunition to help me doubt my salvation, and even without his help I heaped guilt and shame all over myself. Walking into church stinking like smoke often earned me judgmental stares from other Christians, and how could I blame them? Well, that stopped being a problem about ten years ago when I quit smoking. No more obvious sin, woo hoo!!!

I have to pause here and mention how lousy I feel typing this all out. It's just gross. It's freaking me out that someone might actually read this and be judgmental, maybe treat me different or think less of me. I'm just hanging on for the deliverance at the end.

Now, the troubling thing was that I quit smoking by switching to nicotine mints. Those I hung on to until about ten days ago. So, for ten years, I had a way more subtle addiction/sin problem. If you've known me at all over the past few years, you can see the contrast between the nicotine addiction, and the rest of my lifestyle of health and fitness, right? I mean, I lost all that weight, quit eating garbage, started doing all this great exercise and using essential oils.... and daily kept right on poisoning myself. I felt like a fraud. I was a fraud. Often I would think that Jesus was telling me to knock it off, but I just didn't want to listen - I was too hooked, too rebellious, too set in my comfort seeking ways. Every time we had Communion Sunday at church, I would wonder if I should partake. In every gathering with other Christians, I would feel apart from them, different, not worthy. There devil had a heavily loaded quiver of arrows to rain down on me, lie after lie after lie, because I kept reloading the quiver.

Several weeks ago I knew for sure that Jesus was telling me it was time to quit, so I started giving it a half hearted attempt by cutting down. Trouble was I had also contracted the shingles virus so I was in a good deal of pain. The withdrawal pain on top of the rash and nerve pain seemed like too much to take - surely the Lord didn't intend me to endure that much discomfort? Turns out that's exactly what he intended for me, provided I would finally obey. I prayed fervently that He would just deliver me from the addiction as soon as I quit for real, prayed that it wouldn't be painful or hard. He said no, and 'my grace is sufficient for you.' Over and over these past ten days I have ask God for things and He has reminded me that He has provided already. When I asked for hope, he pointed me to the hope we have in the supremacy of Christ, and the gospel. When I asked for mercy, he showed me the mercy that He has me at home for this time of addiction recovery - the shingles pain got so intense when I quit nicotine (seems the withdrawal stress kicked the nerve pain into overdrive) that I've for sure had to stay home from work and other situations where the temptations would be stronger. Seriously, I can't even put on a shirt without feeling like I've been set on fire. Right now I'm getting kinda desperate to lay down, because that eases the pain a bit. 

Anyway, that's really all I have to say today. Certainly I could have been more eloquent or thorough, and quite likely I could have imparted some better theology. I'll just close with this - though it's only been ten days since I quit, and I'm still in hellish pain, I feel like the story is really over. I have quit, I won't go back; Christ conquered sin and the grave once and for all, for all of us, for me.