one with the fat folk

March 15^th, 2012

Today’s first adventure was the free hotel breakfast buffet. You know what the omelet bar has, along with eggs, organ meats, and cheese? Vegetables! I asked the chef to make a big plate of them for me, cooked up with just a little spray. And when I said cooking spray, he heard ‘splash of oil.’ Grr. That, and a nice pile of strawberries and pineapple, and some chunks of roasted potato – overall I was quite pleased with my selections. There were some really fat guys lined up at the buffet and I wanted to go hug them and tell them there’s a better way, but….awkward!

For lunch I had a burger with Portobello mushroom for the ‘meat’ because the alternative was the Italian buffet which was a cavalcade of cheese, butter, and oil. The waitress offered fried green tomatoes as a topping and seemed a bit put off when I asked for a slice of just regular raw red tomato. The menu didn’t say the burger came with fries, but, there they were on my plate when it arrived. Often when ordering in a restaurant, I have said, with no shame, ‘don’t be all light handed with the fries, and I’ll need some ranch – two cups if they’re small.’ Today, I had zero fries. Not even a nibble or a whiff. Will power? Oh heck no, that was divine intervention.

The dinner choices that my company provided at the conference were meat loaf, and buttermilk fried chicken. Happily, there was a salad bar so I mowed through a big plate of leafy greens, no dressing, and made a mental note to head elsewhere for a main dish after work. Then I kept working for an hour or so at a table, in the same room as the piles of free, fried chicken and was not tempted. More divine intervention! Surely the Lord was in that place. Maybe Jesus was plugging my nostrils? No idea, but it was a moment of genuine transformation by the Holy Spirit Himself, and I’m not saying that to exaggerate or try and be funny. Me and free, fatty food have been fast friends for a LONG time. For instance, I’ve been in the office on many occasions when sub sandwiches have been provided, in six inch portions. Of which, I once had six. THAT’S THREE FEET OF SANDWICH. Don’t get me started on what I’ve done with free pizza. Crazy sick!

When I did get to head out for some dinner, the destination was Burrito Gallery. It was full of whack-o art, tattooed patrons, and row upon row of hot sauces – yippee!! When my friend and I were in line to order and I was eyeballing the menu, my friend started to talk to me about something but then stopped himself and said ‘oh, this is kind of like a big moment for you, right? I should stop yammering as you proceed through this rite.’ He’s a good friend like that. When I told the tattooed stick figure behind the counter that I didn’t want cheese on my grilled veggie burrito, she said ‘oh do you want all the vegan substitutions?’ I really felt like my ‘aging hip dude’ points really took an uptick just then. Right right, delusional. I also noticed that while the burritos came with salsa, the tacos came with chimi churri sauce, so I made that substitution as well. That wasn’t a dietary consideration, just wanted to try it, and boy was that ever a good call!